you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
