I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
