the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
