Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize