I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
