i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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