when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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