I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
