fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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