Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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