I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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