I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize