..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
This house was built for laser tag.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
