the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
How does it feel to date your dad?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
