We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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