I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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