Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize