this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
