Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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