Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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