ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
