My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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