I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
