i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
