Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
