My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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