I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
