I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
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