my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
