I got chris browned last night
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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