I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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