Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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