dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
