I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
