I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize