I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
