We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
