Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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