As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
