omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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