I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
