I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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