He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
