Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
