Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
