Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
