Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
