Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
