my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
