He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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