i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
