Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
my shit smells like andre
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i've created a new STD.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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