Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
