It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
