I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
