Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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