Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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