her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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