Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I smell stomach acid.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
