Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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