He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
