Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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